Not very hygge is it? All this talk of Trumpy invading Greenland. As every child knows, Greenland is where Father Christmas lives, and as much as I would cheer on his elves against an invading US military force, there would be blood and green velvet everywhere.
But wait – there is no need to get yourself in a panic. Denmark, which lays historic claim to Greenland, has roused itself to fight the ominous threat of the new and unhinged US administration.
There is much to love about Denmark, not least its emotionless ability to mass slaughter pigs - it slices up 18 million hogs a year into crispy bacon. However, this particular skillset won’t be necessary because this time around it won’t be killing a fat pig. It will be killing Donald Trump.
Actually it won’t be killing anyone, I was getting carried away. We hope not anyway! Scandinavians are pretty chill, all that pillaging as Vikings got a whole lot out of their systems, now they are into soft furnishings and candlelit ambience. Besides, Denmark has another weapon it can use to fight off America’s latest Agent Orange.
News reaches C+D that Denmark has called druggist de jour Novo Nordisk into its hastily assembled (and remarkably cosy) war room to help it do battle with Trump.
Will Novo save the day? Is there nothing these fat-jabs can’t do? In fact, no-one can be completely sure how all this will pan out, a bit like the NHS rollout of weight-loss jabs. But we can guess.
Read more: Mounjaro: NICE sets out £317m annual NHS weight loss jab rollout
Since his re-election, Trumpy has been keen to display his international trade acumen and economic clout, which amounts to threatening everyone with eye-watering tariffs for continuing to do business with America if he is displeased by anything.
Practically, it means Don’s big weapon is the ability to increase the price of a Novo product, like Ozempic, in America, making them much more expensive than rival jabs.
And the US, which has gone from doddering to swaggering in the last few weeks, is threatening to impose this tariff-stroke-sanction on every Danish product on sale in American stores if it doesn’t give up Greenland.
Obsessed
Does the President not realise how important these fat-shedding drugs are to great swathes of his public? The US is obsessed with weight-loss jabs, a hefty price hike could cause some sort of obese riot.
But the biggest pressure would fall on Novo. The USA is Novo’s largest market. According to Reuters, Novo’s US sales approached $16bn just for the first nine months of 2024.
Hmm. Does the plot thicken? Is Trump comfortable with putting a big dent in Novo Nordisk’s sales if it gives a leg up to US-business Eli Lilly, which produces Mounjaro, and is Novo’s biggest rival in the fat-jab stakes?
Read more: ‘Superior weight loss’ drug: Mounjaro squashing rival Wegovy
Lily’s bean-counters will be watching with interest, especially since Danish PM Mette Frederiksen sounded dejected after the first call between Team Denmark and Team USA, which may or may not have taken place at high noon.
“We’re not preparing for specific things we don’t know yet, but it has been hinted at from the US side that there may unfortunately be a situation where we work less together than we do today,” she told the press, in a wordy explanation for being strongarmed.
It’s often said that corporations influence politics far more than voters, this could be a litmus test for that theory.
A CEO’s duty is to his shareholders above all else. Slashing projected dividends because of a romantic attachment to an island off the coast, even if it is Santaland, won’t play. Big business doesn’t have a heart, it has a bottom line.
Novo’s market cap is currently hovering around the $360bn mark, making it a very big business indeed. So big, that as a country, Denmark’s GDP just edges over the $400bn mark. The pressure on Denmark to capitulate might not remain external.
And of course, closer to home, the corporates have had their say on the UK regulation of weight-loss jabs. Healthcare professionals are very concerned - the health secretary is ‘terrified’ - but the CCA, acting as the voice of the big UK corporates - says it’s fine, and there is nothing to worry about. Keep on sellin' and jabbin'! No further regulation is required. Trumptastic news!